July 7, 2010

I Will Be Skinny !

"I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird." -Coco Chanel

Words to live by. Once again Ana has pulled me back into her tight grasp. I will be fabulous. But first things first: be 120 then less. I got within 10 pounds of that before I took a long vacation from Ana but life is always more miserable with and without her. Since that is true , I choose to live with her. Life without her is nothing but FAT misery. I am fat without her. Haha but too bad fat is not an option for me anymore. This is my senior year and I do NOT want to be remembered as the average, borderline fatass girl. I won't settle for borderline fat anymore. NOPE ! I will live the life of a skinny girl no matter what (: and thats that. I'm eating nothing for the rest of the day and staying under 500 calories in solid food tomorrow and then i'll be here to update (: yeah its a step , but theres no beating around the bush. Hard-core thinspo study tonight (: yay.

sorrry for not being on for awhile, but no worries (: im back for good !

Olivia (:

May 26, 2010

Okay soo...

Okay so I'm back again... always am. I always start to believe that I'm just fine the way I am. I convince myself to settle for that I look like. But, Ana will always be apart of me. Although her voice is not as strong as it used to be at some point, and probably will in the future, she is here in the back of my mind reminding me to get smaller. always will be. Funny thing, as much as i feel like i've been eating recently, I weighed my record low of 131.5 pounds this morning. Haha, not quite sure how that happened but :) works for meeee. I'll here every once in a while to report my progress (: love you all (: don't forget to follow skinnies (:
Much Love, Olivia Anne

April 24, 2010

Still On My Game

I know it's been awhile but, unlike all the other times I leave for a ahwhile, I've been doing better than ever. Ana's been kinda quite recently but shes still that conscious little voice in the back of my head telling me what and when to eat. Maybe its better this way. It like shes hard-wired into my brain rather than stressing me out daily. I'm not so worried about what I eat lately. It's just been second nature. I must admit I haven't been counting calories, but I really don't need to. You see, I was counting calories on unhealthy foods that I wanted and were within my certain calorie limit for the day but most of the foods that I wanted were horrible, fat-infested foods that, by the grace of God, were somehow reasonable under 500 calories of so. So now what? Well, I've talked to my mom about wanting to go on a healthy diet. Me and my sister picked out a full cart-full of nothing but heathy foods. Veggies, fruits, low-fat yogurts, salad and low fat dressings, etc. Now I can eat a little more but I'm losing weight better than ever and I've been sticking to it for weeks now. I eat something really small about every 3 hours (i try to prolong it) but then I have to work out for at least an hour everyday. For example, today. I got up around 10:00am and had breakfast around 10:30am (small bowl of cereal), then went for a high-energy, hour long walk all around my neighborhood. then ate again at 1:30pm (banana), and I'm going to eat again around 4:30 maybe 5:00 just so that I dont eat my last meal of the day too late you know? because i don't eat after 6:00 and my next chance to eat would be around 7:30.

The key is to eat in moderation. You eat very little servings of HEALTHY, LOW SUGAR, FAT FREE/LOW FAT (key word: healhy) foods every few hours. I'm not really gonna starve anymore. Thats kinda pointless. All it does is lower your metabolism so that every time you binge or ANYTHING, your body will show it because your metabolism wont take care of it. Food is almost like insurance, if you will. You pay money every once in a while and its gonna be there for you when something bad happens. Food speeds up your metabolism and if you don't eat too much it'll be just enough to burn away any food you already ate. I know its really confusing but not eating gets me nowhere. It works so well for me :) I even saw 131.5 recently and still losing!!

Wish Me Luck and always STAY STRONG skinnies♥ xoxo

April 8, 2010


I got really sick yesterday, mid-day. I think its because I was a little too close to my sister than I should have been. She was sick in the morning but, bless her heart, she came to school anyways. I was feeling really sick later that day and I both of us called in sick from school today. We were both just really nauseous and weak. The one thing I LOVE about nausea, as all of you know, It makes you loathe the very thought of food. I havent eaten a scrap of food all day :) also, i didn't eat anything after like 6 yesterday so i'm feeling very empty and loving it ! I don't plan on eating anything tomorrow either. Mostly because I'm tanning with my boyfriend and who wants to look at a bloated-bellied girlfriend..... no one. However, I think I'm spending the night at his house so I'm most likely gonna end up eating. I'll try to resist until dinner when ill undoubtabley be forced to eat. Ill just pick at it until everyone else is done. Sounds good. I love the feeling of food as the enemy and that's what its been like for the past 24 hours :) ughhh im still kinda sick and i reallllly dont feel like typing right now so i'll give a more detailed post tomorrow. All im having til after school tomorrow it waterr ! wish me luck !
stay strong and think thin<3

April 4, 2010


So yeah. Of course its not a surprise that I didn't stick to ABC during spring break like I promised myself I would. Although, I should have known that I would fuck up at least ONCE with the people I was around. However, either I didn't screw up as bad as I thought, or my old scale was a piece of shiiiit. You see, I ate pretty much normally during the past week. I only slept at my own house only once during the break.. Can you believe that?! It was great to be away from home; Away from my mother and her horrid parenting. How lovely the atmosphere was. I mostly stayed with my boyfriend, my Nana, my sister and my bestfriend. The people that I love the most... also happen to be the people that EAT the most. joyyyy. anyways when I say I ate normally that pretty much just means I didn't go over the top. Even when I started eating wayyy more that ABC would ever allow im prettty sure I never exceeded 1500-2000 calories. Plus I got tons of excercising done being outdoors. playing basketball and other sports with my boyfriend as well as going on long walks and exploring woods with him :) fun fun fun chomp chomp chomp fat fat FAT ! i got a battery for my digital scale during break and first thing I did when I got home is set it and hopped right on. Im kinda glad my old scale was a piece of shit because now I can appreciate my REAL weight which is ***drumroll please***........134.5 :) yay me! not an awesome weight for me but I'm happy that I've maintained that through all my gluttony the past week. Now that I'm actually starting ABC again, I can lose a buncha pounds and hopefully be at most, 130 by the end of the coming week. 130 ! Thats only 10 pounds from 120 which is my first ultimate goal. Not saying 10 pounds isnt alot but 140 was just ridiculous and I've already lost 5.5 pounds since I got serious about losing this horrible weight. GREAT SUMMER BOD: HERE I COME :)))) i hope... wish my luck. no school tomorrow so I hope to stay under 500, then PE on tuesday so nothing but lunch at school for energy, then nothing elseee for the rest of the day. Then I'll just do ABC about every other day (skipping days I have PE for just school lunch). Sounds good to me. I havent eaten anything much today so maybe a bowl of something soft like oatmeal (you know. something easy for my body to break down) then obviously a walk with my sister on this BEAUTIFUL EASTER DAY :) GOD BLESS! Haappy Easter everyone !

PS. Thanks MOM for calling me a selfish bitch and saying "fuck you" to me this morning and almost ruining my day ! Good thing I have self-respect enough to not let you :) JUST WAIT til my 18th birthday next yearrr. You wont even see me that day. You'll never see me again :) LOVEEE YOUUUU...not. (sorrrry for the vent. trust me, it was necessary and made me feel a lot better!)

Much love Ana's

March 25, 2010

reg-ish day :/

I didnt count calories today for the sake of gym. and i thought it wouldnt be so bad if I continued to eat regular afterwards. um wrong! I didnt go crazy. I should've stopped myself from eating breakfast at school this morning though. Instead of eating lunch to prepare for gym I planned to just eat breakfast. but I should have known my FAT ASS HABITS and just resisted. there was no way in HELL i shouldnt have known that I would give myself some sob story to walk my happy (fat)ass into the lunch line. FUCK i was about 133-134 this morning when I woke up :) lovely number (ugh. for me...) right? thats like a 6.5 lb weight loss :) anywaysss after all my piggish eating today im up to 136 :( and thats like a 2.5 lb gain... fuckk hopefully I poop or pee alot soon cuz this is ridic. and no DOUBT im picking up a power run later today. well run/walk. see I HATE running in the cold cuz it makes my ears hurt realllly bad for some reason. plus I ran a mile in gym today anyways so I'm already really tired... but I need it. I'm running friday after school with my boyfriend thought and thats for sure ! yesss before i partyyy it up ill feel soooo good :) anyways yeah i was planning on a hotpocket or something around dinner time to hold me over til my 2nd 500 calorie day tomorrow (i might go for 400 if im not a good enough number by tomorrow morning) buuuuut that was before I stepped onto the scale. im about done for the night. I really hate my scale btw it SUCKS its like one of those old fashioned pointer ones. my good one needs a new battery which i really need to getttt cuz im tired of not knowing my exact weight to the tenth pound. anyways thats all folks. tune in tomorrow (or later today) for Memoirs Of A Fatass Bitch!! ugh. fml.

I would tell you what I had today but i dont know the calories for anything and I dont want to disgust you with what I ate.... jk i didnt do that bad :) im just pissed i didnt lose it running a fucking MILE in p.e. wtfff. whateverrrr im half tempted to purge but its too quiet right now ...i might just go in the shower hm that sounds good ill do that. anyways thats alllll for realll lol

dayy 2 tomorrow!

love all who readddd (:
Oliviaaa xoxo

March 24, 2010

Good First Day of ABC

so tomorrow I have gym and im still not sure whether i wanna push through the fatigue as long as I keep up ABC or should I skip ABC tomorrow and just a little lunch right before gym and have that be all I eat for the day. I'm pretty sure I wont bust 500 calories if I eat just a little bit of the school lunch I just hate not knowing for sure what my EXACT calorie intake is! it drives me crazy lol. And the last option is to just skip ABC completely tomorrow and everyday I have that class and just eat as little as possible. IDK im just reallllly worried about spring break. Theres gonna be sooo many things going on around me. Im going to a party I cant even drink at just because of the calories or the alcohol. fml. anyways i guess ill just smoke and not munchh :) yeeeaass that sounds good..ish. anyways thats all today was really good. its about 3:30 pm and ive had a total of 310 calories which means 190 left. eh fair enough I'll just eat a toaster strudel (180) then go for a walk. I would go for a run but im feeling really weak today. I swear I will tomorrow (: anyways im back down to 135 ! yesss hopefully I can break 130 by friday night or saturday morning. that would be really niceee. soo thats about it in my world. spending the weekend at my food-loving boyfriends house... then another couple days with my food-loving grandmother with my food-loving sister. God (and of course Ana) pleeeeease give me strength. ohhh how badly I wanna be thiiiin ! Love you all and thanks to you all who readdd this :) comment & follooow <3

Food Log : ABC Day 1
waffle - 90 calories
2 plain rice cakes - 80 calories
wheat thins - 140 calories
water and diet siera mist - 0 calories
total : 310 calories

Much Loveee to all,

March 23, 2010

Gettin' there!

So after my bust over the weekend, I realized that my body needs a break from ABC. I've been thinking about a couple ways to do it over the past couple over day while doing mental ABC (mentally counting calories knowing i busted for a normal ABC calorie day. so obviously im not too serious about the calorie count i just wanna eat as little as possible until I get back on ABC for real) which is Friday. I should do it tomorrow (still might possibly/most likely will) but i just like what im doing right now. i just eat a little bit of whatever and really feel myself, you know, feel if im really hungry or not. normally the answer is no but thats a really good skill ive aquired (: obviously as mosst of you guys know, simply saying "no" to food is not that easy. but if you dig deep enough into your feelings you can feel when your stomach is not necessarily FULL but when its at content or, better yet, at ease from intense hunger. works for my you guys should try it. see if i dont count calories and I eat like that there is absolutely NO such thing as "cheat days" or messing up. Thats a nutritionally healthy way to eat by eating as little as possible and still being "healthy." Anyways the fat girl inside me likes eating that way, but the beautifully thin, skinny girl inside me tells me to do nothing but watch thinspo vids and read AnaMia blogs all night until im convinced to start ABC tomorrow :))) :( the fat girl is screaming louder right now though :/ and it really sucks.. hmm but you know what they say about talking and walking. Fatty talks the talk but the skinny bitch walks the walk. Funnny how i wanna start ABC tomorrow (: shiiiit im not eating until I cant stand it anymore. ***Oh actually I changed things up a bit. I have gym last period every other day and I've been doing really shitty since I havent been eating and Its kinda effecting my grade so Im just gonna eat a LITTLE bit of lunch on those days so I have a legit amount of energy to perform right in gym :) thats all just enough to burn off in gym. like i did todayy so yeah thats it love you all who actually read all this shiiiit! comment and folllow and what not<33 love you allll

Love Olivia :)

March 21, 2010

back to 140 :(

i cant believe it. it took me three days to loose 5 lbs and it only took me 2 to gain it all back. maybe its because i knew i would have to come back the next day. back to ana. and of course going to my friends house over the weekend wasnt a good idea either.... fuck. what am i to do. it seemed like a lifetime loosing all that weight i would just eat my self-pity away but with summer coming soon theres really no time for that. it'll be a lot easier going into it now, now that i know Ana really is the only wy 100% i lost 5 lbs in three days! I couldnt ask for anything more. my stretch mars even started to fade. theres no fucking up this time. I also found out that ABC is the only way for me too. I normally try to self regulate how much I eat but obviously if its up to me ill eat however much I want and we cant have that. so ABC, as much of a bitch as it is... it the only thing that will keep me skinny. period. Anyways also have to find a way to make sure Ana's on the absolute DL ! omg if my mom were to find out its over. i couldnt hurt anyone like that. i just couldnt. i already think my boyfriends onto it though which really annoys me. Its not like I want him to go and tell my family i need help or something, because thats actually the last thing i want him to do... but he hasnt even said a word to me about it and i dont know why... i mean its not like i wanna have a full-on conversation about it with him but i do love him and it hurt me for so long knowing that i was hiding somethign from him. especially when he asked what i was doing on the computer that was so important that i was barely paying attention to him, when i was reading Ana blog after Ana blog after thinspo after thinspo. and i'd lie. :/ ughhh that was the worst. not matter how much Ana means to me i couldnt stand the fact that she made me lie to the one person i love the most and that loves me the most. so i kinda led onto it. (not exactly telling him that it was a Ana's diet) but i told him i was on a special diet that required me to eat only 'this many' calories a day. all he really said was damn thats not really healthy but he didnt make it a big thing which is good. the thing that bothers me is the fact that i think hes seen my Ana notebook. HOW EMBARRASSING! its full of pictures of skinny girls and skinny body parts and letters to myself of how i dont deserve him and how a guys like him doesnt want fat girls. he used paper out of it to write me a note to leave in my room but how to you get paper out of it without looking at everything before it. fuckkkkkkkkkk idont know i dont want him to know how obsessed i am but then i dont wanna lie to him. damn what a rant but i have to get my homework done and clean my room. fasting tomorrow. not even gonna bother to tell you what ive eaten all weekend... but im fasting tomorrow then starting ABC on tuesday... JOY ! lol :)

much love,

Oh and from now on im only doing ABC for 6 days in a row then eating semi normally (no more than 1000 calories) on Sundays, then continuing ABC until the end. it'll give me inscentive not to binge because ill have something to look forward too. and im not binging to purge anymore either cuz i always have the fear of not getting everything up. plus last time i didnt get the chance to even get it out because my boyfriend was soooo on my case. thats what made me start gaining this weekend :( bleh. i hate fooooood foood is for the weeaaak and i am NOT weak. im not. and ill prove it watchh! ill post before and afters on friday how bout that ! :) that way i HAVE to do good so i have something nice to show you guys :) yesss anyways thats it STAY STRONG GIRLSSS TRUST ME ITS WORTH ITTT

March 18, 2010

End Of ABC Day Two !

Yesss :) i didnt do awesome today but i did okay. normally i like to stay a few calories below what i'mm allowed just in casee but today I had everything perfectly planned out. 500 calories exactly. buuuut last night i made the mistake of telling my boyfriend about my diet... oh goshh. now all he's doing, instead of the usual being concerned, he just tries to force me to eat here and there. it doesnt work but today he put me on the spot in front of his mom soooo bad. i had 180 calories left and it was like 5 30 and he was taking me home after we'd hung out in the shopping center by our school for a while. i planned on eating 2, 90 calorie waffles for "dinner." welllll. knowing i hadnt eaten much, (in fact i was doing PERFECT!) he asked his mom if we could go to one of his favorite restaurants before they took me home. him mom said yes as long as it was okay with me to be home a little late.. what was I gonna sayy? I couldnt say no to herrrr! fuckin cheater.. anyways I had taquitos w sour cream and guacamole :( FUCK BOYFRIENDS! anyways i drank a tonnnn of water to loosen everything up in my stomach and I purged as SOON as i got home. (close to everything i think) hope fully only about 180 calories worth or less was left :/ i wasnt even super full either which is good. I've never really purged before but I just couldnt stand the fact that i'd worked wayyyyy to hard for two whole days of ABC. and i woulllllddd fuck shit up. so i had to get rid of it. then me and my sister went on a nice semi-high paced jog and then I stretched, did some curl ups and some push ups and now im about to shower then have a nice early sleeep :) yay for me... kinda. ♥ anyways purging wasnt that bad at alllll and i'm most likely gonna try it again in the future (but i do NOT recommend it. it SUCKS! if you have to be empty just DONT EAT!! lol) anyways thanks for caring about my day if you've even read this far. love all my readersss♥ comment/follow and what not :)
muchhh lovinnn,

Food Log:
bac,egg&cheese toaster strudel - 180 cal
wheat thins - 120 cal
taquito mess - a lot of fucking calories but purged(:


dayyy threee tomorrow wish me luckk lovely girlsss

March 17, 2010

Final End Of Day One! :]

i had my ramen at the right time today after my run and finished with exactly 500 caloriess :] woohoo then im going to bed right after this post so theres no room for error thats all. so tired night night Anas<3

much love,,,

Yesss Day 1 of ABC almost complete!

So its about 3:15pm and I'm just watching Thinspo vids on youtube and getting in a quick blog before I start my homework :/ bleh. Im sooo so happy that today's almost done for my first day of ABC again :) Ive only had like 310 so I have a little more room for error but I dont plan on eating any more today. Just drinking lots of water. I was really weak this morning though and I drank my coffee on the way to school and all that did was make me nauseas and weak... yay. well by the time I had to take a very important writing exam I was finally feeling better :) and I've felt soo energetic all today. I normally do shiity in pe when I dont eat lunch but today I ran a mile very easily. Oh yeah! another thing.. i totally but barely resisted lunch today :) well im not gonna say barely. this is what happened: i wasnt gonna even look at what ws for lunch for fear that i would be tempted into buying it. well i decided some fat free milk wouldnt be too many calories so i decided to get some. the only thing i dont like about the lunch system at my school is tht you cant just but individual things. you have to buy a whole meal with sides and shit to get the one thing you want. I didnt reallt care. I really wanted a milk to i told my sister and my friends that they could have everything i buy i just want the milk and they were like okay so i did. it was sooo hard though. it was chinese flavored chicken and rice... MY FAVORITE i even said i would just have the smallest peice just for the taste. actually i was only considering it because i promised myself i wouldnt eat anything, not matter how little it was so i could keep track of my calorie intake 100% so i didnt eat it after all :) there was also that chance that after tasting how good it was I would just KEEP eating! like the fat girl i am! haha another funny story like i said i ran a mile today. whenever i even thought about stopping i kept repeating in my head "run fat girl run!" nd just feeling my ass jiggle with every stride that i said that just made me go faster. i really dont like running but today it was refreshing. it was like every step i took i was running away from my fat self! kinda. i got back in the locker room and i was still just as fat :/ anyways thats all i really wanted to share about my day ! im soo happy i have 180 calories left i think thats about as much a pack of ramen so i think i'll just eat that at around 6 o clock and be done, if i can get my fatass outside and run before 6 that would be a great snack then I can shower, chill and watch a movie then go to bed early :) sounds awesome! well thanks for reading (if you even read this far lol) food log then pc outt maybe ill post once more before beddd.

much love Anas<3

Food Log:
coffee w sugar free sweetener - 0 cal
plain waffle - 90 cal
2 mints & a slice of gum - 10 cal
cup of fat free milk - 90 cal
3 triscuits and a slice of american cheese - 120 cal

total : 310 cal

March 16, 2010

Todays Progress + Ramble

So todays fast went well. My ultimate plan was to fast today and start ABC tomorrow with a 450 calorie plan so I have a 50 calorie cushion if I start to mess up. I weigh about a pound less than yesterday as off 230 when I got home from school. Good? I guess but I gotta keep it up. It feels so good to be empty. something only I can feel and no one else can control. Honestly though.. my math teacher has a jar or candy on her desk for when student volunteer to answer questions. When she stands outside the door in between classes I always walk over and take a couple pieces and sit down. Nobody cares nobody tells. Quick snack :) well today I went over just out of habit and grabbed a jolly rancher and some super mini sugary sour twizzler thing idk. they were both super small and I ate them. It wasnt that much at all but for some reason today doesnt feel as perfect as when I eat absolutely nothing, just knowing I ate those two stupid peices of candy! whatever i know i did good today. the hardest part though is not getting a big head and thinking I did too good and eating something right before I go to bed. Sleeping on it is always the hardest part. But i know what I want and what I want is not to eat for the rest of the day. I'll just stay cooped up in my room and watch thinspo vids on youtube while I do my homework until I fall asleep. And of course drink my water. So tomorrow im starting of with some black coffee with calorie and sugar free sweetening syrup my mom buys to take to school and ill already be warm and full with a total of 0 calories until lunch. I've also been waking up a tad later so I dont have that extra time to eat breakfast at home in the morning or packing snacks. so far ive been pretty successful. the only tempation to eat will be my only real opportunity to eat during the day which is of course.. lunch... the one thing i like about school is that they turn the snack machines off during the day and your only time to eat (unless one brink snacks like ive already worked out), is during lunch. but half the time i fail at resisting food then too. i failed last even day, just knowing I have money on my card number when im DYING to eat. I mean i guess if i really think about it, its just like being at home and having every opportunity to eat everything. and if i can do that, then i can do it at school. The only differences is that my whole house doesnt smell like food all the time like the whole school does when its lunch time :/ its also hard to watch my friends eat right in front of me. as i sit there with my water bottle. what fatsos. yet i want to eat all of their food combined! what is wrong with me? im sick. fat. gross. 139 pounds.. i hate myself i just wanna be skinny already. that way, ill have proof that i can do something right and I'll just be hypnotized into keeping it that way i swear if i was just skinny i would never again eat a morsel of food. ever. but just looking at myself... its like looking at a walking fail! how did i get like this? why didnt my parents starve me! (joke obviously) but god this is suchhhh a ramble. forgive me.. comments are niceee and folllllow:) i need support like no otherrr right now

ABC tomorrow :) cant waittt

much love,

March 13, 2010


This is just a short post. Ate nothing yesterday after my last post yay (: its 12:01 pm and I havent eaten anything so far today. Im planning on fasting today but if not i'll stay under 500 calories. Not saying I cant fast for a day because I know I can... by myself but I'm going to the mall with my boyfriend today then possibly back to his house and I know hes gonna wanna get something to eat. Ill probably just go with the excuse that I dont feel good. Headache, stomach hurts, you know. But if he doesnt by it ill just eat a couple bites but im avoiding that scenario at all costs. Thats all :) Comment and Follow and such<3


March 12, 2010

No More Fooling Around.

I cant believe I ever had the right to feel jealous. Jealous of every skinny girl I see. I am only allowed to be jealous when I've actually DONE something. I can only feel jealous when I've TRIED to be skinny; Not just sit around and wait for it to happen. I disgust myslef. How DARE i be this fat and gross? Ew. I hate not being on here for days and days.. not because I dont want to (because trust me i think about how important this blog is to the sake of my being skinny every day) but because i dont know what to say. I havent been doing good at all. ive been doing SHITTY! but whats the point of logging on if all i have to face is the reality of the embarrassment that IS my body. And its so hard. I wanna be able to say how good I can do. I wanna prove myself and earn all your good feedback and hear good things. I guess ive been assuming that I need time to get back into the flow of old habits and all thats been doing is making me eat more thinking that i'll eventually go back. No. It clearly doesnt work that way. I forget that Ana is WORK! People (or at least most people) have to WORK to be skinny. I doesnt just happen. So i need to WHIP my ass back into shape. I just stuffed myself with waffles and im feeling REALLY guilty. I dont wanna feel that way anymore. I wanna feel empty and hungry :) oh what a good feeling that id LOVE to have back :) im not eating ANYTHING else for the rest of the night (which shouldnt be hard). As soon as im done with this post im creating a meal plan for tomorrow which allows me only 500 calories. I've never done a meal plan before for fear that i'd just fuck everything up but i think maybe it'll help me stay on track. After tomorrow I'm starting ABC ! Its been awhile but no fucking around this time. I'm going in head first and i'm not coming up til im thin(ner). (: stay strong my loves and i'll definitely post sometime tomorrow with my food log for the day. Wish Me Luck Lovelies<33

March 4, 2010

Oh My..

Well today was a shitty day.. all i did was eat. Fuck. Obviously im not giving up. It always takes me a couple days to get back into good eating habits. Thats why i'm not too pissed. But once i've got the feel of things again I can literally fast for daysss (or a solid foods fast with only beverages allowed). But that probably wont be until after this weekend because im taking my boyfriend to my grandparents house in Richmond over the weekend and all those people do is eat ! And as much as I could try to starve, with the possibility that I could actually succeed, I don't need my sister, and my Nana, AND my boyfriend on my back. But hey I have TONS of homework and I have to pack for this weeekend so this is one of my shorter posts.. lol even though its still pretty long, so ill try to post tomorrow or sometime this weekend but idk cuz I dont want anyone going through my browsing history over there. That would suck. Kbyeee!

Think Thin Lovelyss,

March 2, 2010

Summers Coming Soon. Lets Do Thiss !

Wow ! 53 followers :) why thank you. i love seeing you guys follow because it means im not in this alone. I know others share the same amazingly insane obsession to be skinny. I will be. No matter what. Every year of my life i vow to get skinny for summer (and beyond) and this is my year. Starting now, the middle of winter, I'm training HARDCORE non-stop until im thin. This year, I won't be the girl watching in jealousy as i compare all the other girls in bikinis and noticing how im fatter than all of them. I wont be the one imagining how happy they must be to not have a care in the world. At least not when it comes to her body. I refuse to be the girl who has to be conscious of which way I turn or move my body so that the least amount of fat is noticible. I wont. Becuase I'll be her. I'll either be her, or die trying because I'm sick and tired of being a fat 140+ bitch. And I dont want you guys to worry or mistake this sudden determination for potential self distruction. I wont literally "die trying" --or at least I hope not. I just have a purpose and being the stubborn and will-powered person I am, I will do this! Who's With Me? All Pro-Ana girls; We all now have a purpose. Besides being skinny in general. Lets not wait for the last minute of spring to unsuccessfully attempt to get skinny for summer because we all know it never works. Lets start now !

February 3, 2010

Oh &&..

I quite enjoyed this thinspoo! check it outt

ohh and THIS ONE!

Feeling Better :)

*****I didnt realize how long and pointless this post got halfway through & I dont wanna scare off lovely motivational comments because I pretty much ranted about all my stupid troubless lol sorrry just stop reading halfway through if you'd likee :) ♥

You know what I realized... i tend to binge when i'm not even hungry. Well. not like that but when im hungry minus the hunger pains and growling stomach like i have now. Thankfully a growling stomach keeps me focused. It keeps me aware that i'm doing good and need to continue to do better.. which is weird. I think that deep down in all of us we secretly like the feeling of hunger pains. It equals progress to us, in the right state of mind. The key is focus, which is something i've always lacked, from dieting, to school, to almost everything important... which sucks. So a little physical reminder is good for me. It proves my emptiness and just makes me want to stay empty as long as possible. I think i'm going on a liquid fast for as long as possible... Hopefully up until this weekend when my boyfriends having me over for a little superbowl get-together with his family. We had a teacher work day monday, I was sick tuesday and schools are closed today because of snoww !! So I kinda lucked out as far as the pressures of eating during school lunches go. (: I always try to eat a little when I'm around my freinds so idk whyyy they have to notice when I don't eat at school.... gay !! whatever I just tell them I'll them i'm on a special diet and I can't eat fatty school food and they leave me alone..... until the next day. But its okayy. no big deal.

So heres whats on my mental menu for the day
-ICED TEA ! haha
-ummm anything else liquid

haha i know its vague but im too busy/lazy recently to calorie count so im not gonna bother. i might even have a ton of milk just cuz its not solid but i dont caree. I think im getting depressed recently. I've been sooo lazy and I don't even know why. My social life is fine and me and my family are getting along great recently so idunno. Ive just lacked energy and any type of concern for the way i put myself together.... which sucks because none of my friends have even mentioned it. not even my boyfriend. for example i NEVER wear sweatpants to school. thats just like a general rule of mine.. i think its tacky idk. but during midterm week thats all i wore. which i guess is okay but it never stopped ! idunno i always wake up late and almost miss my bus every morning which means i obviously have no time to even try to pick out a descent outfit and idk. sweats just stuck :/// i honestly think its college stress. it just occured to me that as much as both of my parents always told my to go to college, neither of them are really talking to me about it now that its that time to start planning. like wtf where did you guys go? uhm so im kinda trying to plan on my own which is hard because i dont have money to pay for early SATs i mean i know im only a junior but I've never gotten the best grades even thouggh im actually really smart and my counselor suggested that I take the SATs junior AND senior year to have a better chance of getting into the colleges I want. Ive always done good on the PSATs and I've taken a couple practice SATs on my college planning website. But SATs are coming up and I'm just stressed because I dont have anyone there to financially support me ya know. DAMN sorry about this rannnnnt ! Omg but yeah thats it my futures just been really stressing me out thats all and it's effecting my whole lifeee & it sucks :/ but thats all I;m working on itttt !

stay strong and drink nothing but liquids this week whose with meee??
woohooo (:

February 2, 2010

Oh Lovely Sickness

Its Been Awhile sorrry :/ i promised i would keep up with the blog. It keeps me focused. Its always something to do when I felt like eating ya know. But surprisingly ive been doing well. I mean I haven't been doing GREAT but i'm sure i havent eaten as much as the average person (haha i guess) but on Sunday I decided to sleep over at my boyfriends house because there wasnt any school monday (teacher work day). his cousin was over and his parents decided to go all out for dinner. My boyfriend tells me the only time his mom's made steak recently were the times ive been over. shes the cutest little thing. last time she made steak it was barely edible. it was way too bloody but it was okay because i like my steak a little undercooked. A LITTLE ! but i would never tell her it wasnt good so i just ate it. So on sunday she made more steak and it was horrible. i couldnt believe how underdone it was... but being the wonderful girlfriend that i am, i forced it down. ew god. it was like rubber i couldnt even cut it. even my boyfriend said it was too undercooked but it didnt seem to bother him to much so i didnt say anything either. so that night we got high with some friends of his & i got the munchiess to add insult to injury. i was a fucking cow. when i went to bed that night i could barely move. my stomach hurt so bad with the combination of still-living cow and just too much food all crammed together in my stomach. i never really fell asleep. i drifted in and out of consciousness looking at the clock everytime just waiting for his parents to go to work so i could hit the bathroom before he woke up. my stomach rumbled and before i could control it, i ran to the bathroom and thank god i threw up my gluttony... 3 times before i left. and three times when i got home. it was awful. but such a relief. so anyways i didnt eat all day yesterday and i havent eating much today. what i ate today was just to live because i have zero appetite for anything. ive just been really dizzy from not eating. im using this as a jumpstart to a new streak. after only two days of not eating & throwing up bones are popping up all over the place. yayy! i am really weak which is the only downside but its not like i have anything that requires energy except pe. which is an easy because my teacher loves me :) ugh so anyways i need a napp so ill be sure to post again tomorrrrow or later today. i dont realize how much i missss my blog and reading others until ive been gone for awhile.

Much Love,