February 3, 2010

Oh &&..

I quite enjoyed this thinspoo! check it outt

ohh and THIS ONE!

Feeling Better :)

*****I didnt realize how long and pointless this post got halfway through & I dont wanna scare off lovely motivational comments because I pretty much ranted about all my stupid troubless lol sorrry just stop reading halfway through if you'd likee :) ♥

You know what I realized... i tend to binge when i'm not even hungry. Well. not like that but when im hungry minus the hunger pains and growling stomach like i have now. Thankfully a growling stomach keeps me focused. It keeps me aware that i'm doing good and need to continue to do better.. which is weird. I think that deep down in all of us we secretly like the feeling of hunger pains. It equals progress to us, in the right state of mind. The key is focus, which is something i've always lacked, from dieting, to school, to almost everything important... which sucks. So a little physical reminder is good for me. It proves my emptiness and just makes me want to stay empty as long as possible. I think i'm going on a liquid fast for as long as possible... Hopefully up until this weekend when my boyfriends having me over for a little superbowl get-together with his family. We had a teacher work day monday, I was sick tuesday and schools are closed today because of snoww !! So I kinda lucked out as far as the pressures of eating during school lunches go. (: I always try to eat a little when I'm around my freinds so idk whyyy they have to notice when I don't eat at school.... gay !! whatever I just tell them I'll them i'm on a special diet and I can't eat fatty school food and they leave me alone..... until the next day. But its okayy. no big deal.

So heres whats on my mental menu for the day
-ICED TEA ! haha
-ummm anything else liquid

haha i know its vague but im too busy/lazy recently to calorie count so im not gonna bother. i might even have a ton of milk just cuz its not solid but i dont caree. I think im getting depressed recently. I've been sooo lazy and I don't even know why. My social life is fine and me and my family are getting along great recently so idunno. Ive just lacked energy and any type of concern for the way i put myself together.... which sucks because none of my friends have even mentioned it. not even my boyfriend. for example i NEVER wear sweatpants to school. thats just like a general rule of mine.. i think its tacky idk. but during midterm week thats all i wore. which i guess is okay but it never stopped ! idunno i always wake up late and almost miss my bus every morning which means i obviously have no time to even try to pick out a descent outfit and idk. sweats just stuck :/// i honestly think its college stress. it just occured to me that as much as both of my parents always told my to go to college, neither of them are really talking to me about it now that its that time to start planning. like wtf where did you guys go? uhm so im kinda trying to plan on my own which is hard because i dont have money to pay for early SATs i mean i know im only a junior but I've never gotten the best grades even thouggh im actually really smart and my counselor suggested that I take the SATs junior AND senior year to have a better chance of getting into the colleges I want. Ive always done good on the PSATs and I've taken a couple practice SATs on my college planning website. But SATs are coming up and I'm just stressed because I dont have anyone there to financially support me ya know. DAMN sorry about this rannnnnt ! Omg but yeah thats it my futures just been really stressing me out thats all and it's effecting my whole lifeee & it sucks :/ but thats all I;m working on itttt !

stay strong and drink nothing but liquids this week whose with meee??
woohooo (:

February 2, 2010

Oh Lovely Sickness

Its Been Awhile sorrry :/ i promised i would keep up with the blog. It keeps me focused. Its always something to do when I felt like eating ya know. But surprisingly ive been doing well. I mean I haven't been doing GREAT but i'm sure i havent eaten as much as the average person (haha i guess) but on Sunday I decided to sleep over at my boyfriends house because there wasnt any school monday (teacher work day). his cousin was over and his parents decided to go all out for dinner. My boyfriend tells me the only time his mom's made steak recently were the times ive been over. shes the cutest little thing. last time she made steak it was barely edible. it was way too bloody but it was okay because i like my steak a little undercooked. A LITTLE ! but i would never tell her it wasnt good so i just ate it. So on sunday she made more steak and it was horrible. i couldnt believe how underdone it was... but being the wonderful girlfriend that i am, i forced it down. ew god. it was like rubber i couldnt even cut it. even my boyfriend said it was too undercooked but it didnt seem to bother him to much so i didnt say anything either. so that night we got high with some friends of his & i got the munchiess to add insult to injury. i was a fucking cow. when i went to bed that night i could barely move. my stomach hurt so bad with the combination of still-living cow and just too much food all crammed together in my stomach. i never really fell asleep. i drifted in and out of consciousness looking at the clock everytime just waiting for his parents to go to work so i could hit the bathroom before he woke up. my stomach rumbled and before i could control it, i ran to the bathroom and thank god i threw up my gluttony... 3 times before i left. and three times when i got home. it was awful. but such a relief. so anyways i didnt eat all day yesterday and i havent eating much today. what i ate today was just to live because i have zero appetite for anything. ive just been really dizzy from not eating. im using this as a jumpstart to a new streak. after only two days of not eating & throwing up bones are popping up all over the place. yayy! i am really weak which is the only downside but its not like i have anything that requires energy except pe. which is an easy because my teacher loves me :) ugh so anyways i need a napp so ill be sure to post again tomorrrrow or later today. i dont realize how much i missss my blog and reading others until ive been gone for awhile.

Much Love,