March 25, 2010

reg-ish day :/

I didnt count calories today for the sake of gym. and i thought it wouldnt be so bad if I continued to eat regular afterwards. um wrong! I didnt go crazy. I should've stopped myself from eating breakfast at school this morning though. Instead of eating lunch to prepare for gym I planned to just eat breakfast. but I should have known my FAT ASS HABITS and just resisted. there was no way in HELL i shouldnt have known that I would give myself some sob story to walk my happy (fat)ass into the lunch line. FUCK i was about 133-134 this morning when I woke up :) lovely number (ugh. for me...) right? thats like a 6.5 lb weight loss :) anywaysss after all my piggish eating today im up to 136 :( and thats like a 2.5 lb gain... fuckk hopefully I poop or pee alot soon cuz this is ridic. and no DOUBT im picking up a power run later today. well run/walk. see I HATE running in the cold cuz it makes my ears hurt realllly bad for some reason. plus I ran a mile in gym today anyways so I'm already really tired... but I need it. I'm running friday after school with my boyfriend thought and thats for sure ! yesss before i partyyy it up ill feel soooo good :) anyways yeah i was planning on a hotpocket or something around dinner time to hold me over til my 2nd 500 calorie day tomorrow (i might go for 400 if im not a good enough number by tomorrow morning) buuuuut that was before I stepped onto the scale. im about done for the night. I really hate my scale btw it SUCKS its like one of those old fashioned pointer ones. my good one needs a new battery which i really need to getttt cuz im tired of not knowing my exact weight to the tenth pound. anyways thats all folks. tune in tomorrow (or later today) for Memoirs Of A Fatass Bitch!! ugh. fml.

I would tell you what I had today but i dont know the calories for anything and I dont want to disgust you with what I ate.... jk i didnt do that bad :) im just pissed i didnt lose it running a fucking MILE in p.e. wtfff. whateverrrr im half tempted to purge but its too quiet right now ...i might just go in the shower hm that sounds good ill do that. anyways thats alllll for realll lol

dayy 2 tomorrow!

love all who readddd (:
Oliviaaa xoxo

March 24, 2010

Good First Day of ABC

so tomorrow I have gym and im still not sure whether i wanna push through the fatigue as long as I keep up ABC or should I skip ABC tomorrow and just a little lunch right before gym and have that be all I eat for the day. I'm pretty sure I wont bust 500 calories if I eat just a little bit of the school lunch I just hate not knowing for sure what my EXACT calorie intake is! it drives me crazy lol. And the last option is to just skip ABC completely tomorrow and everyday I have that class and just eat as little as possible. IDK im just reallllly worried about spring break. Theres gonna be sooo many things going on around me. Im going to a party I cant even drink at just because of the calories or the alcohol. fml. anyways i guess ill just smoke and not munchh :) yeeeaass that sounds good..ish. anyways thats all today was really good. its about 3:30 pm and ive had a total of 310 calories which means 190 left. eh fair enough I'll just eat a toaster strudel (180) then go for a walk. I would go for a run but im feeling really weak today. I swear I will tomorrow (: anyways im back down to 135 ! yesss hopefully I can break 130 by friday night or saturday morning. that would be really niceee. soo thats about it in my world. spending the weekend at my food-loving boyfriends house... then another couple days with my food-loving grandmother with my food-loving sister. God (and of course Ana) pleeeeease give me strength. ohhh how badly I wanna be thiiiin ! Love you all and thanks to you all who readdd this :) comment & follooow <3

Food Log : ABC Day 1
waffle - 90 calories
2 plain rice cakes - 80 calories
wheat thins - 140 calories
water and diet siera mist - 0 calories
total : 310 calories

Much Loveee to all,

March 23, 2010

Gettin' there!

So after my bust over the weekend, I realized that my body needs a break from ABC. I've been thinking about a couple ways to do it over the past couple over day while doing mental ABC (mentally counting calories knowing i busted for a normal ABC calorie day. so obviously im not too serious about the calorie count i just wanna eat as little as possible until I get back on ABC for real) which is Friday. I should do it tomorrow (still might possibly/most likely will) but i just like what im doing right now. i just eat a little bit of whatever and really feel myself, you know, feel if im really hungry or not. normally the answer is no but thats a really good skill ive aquired (: obviously as mosst of you guys know, simply saying "no" to food is not that easy. but if you dig deep enough into your feelings you can feel when your stomach is not necessarily FULL but when its at content or, better yet, at ease from intense hunger. works for my you guys should try it. see if i dont count calories and I eat like that there is absolutely NO such thing as "cheat days" or messing up. Thats a nutritionally healthy way to eat by eating as little as possible and still being "healthy." Anyways the fat girl inside me likes eating that way, but the beautifully thin, skinny girl inside me tells me to do nothing but watch thinspo vids and read AnaMia blogs all night until im convinced to start ABC tomorrow :))) :( the fat girl is screaming louder right now though :/ and it really sucks.. hmm but you know what they say about talking and walking. Fatty talks the talk but the skinny bitch walks the walk. Funnny how i wanna start ABC tomorrow (: shiiiit im not eating until I cant stand it anymore. ***Oh actually I changed things up a bit. I have gym last period every other day and I've been doing really shitty since I havent been eating and Its kinda effecting my grade so Im just gonna eat a LITTLE bit of lunch on those days so I have a legit amount of energy to perform right in gym :) thats all just enough to burn off in gym. like i did todayy so yeah thats it love you all who actually read all this shiiiit! comment and folllow and what not<33 love you allll

Love Olivia :)

March 21, 2010

back to 140 :(

i cant believe it. it took me three days to loose 5 lbs and it only took me 2 to gain it all back. maybe its because i knew i would have to come back the next day. back to ana. and of course going to my friends house over the weekend wasnt a good idea either.... fuck. what am i to do. it seemed like a lifetime loosing all that weight i would just eat my self-pity away but with summer coming soon theres really no time for that. it'll be a lot easier going into it now, now that i know Ana really is the only wy 100% i lost 5 lbs in three days! I couldnt ask for anything more. my stretch mars even started to fade. theres no fucking up this time. I also found out that ABC is the only way for me too. I normally try to self regulate how much I eat but obviously if its up to me ill eat however much I want and we cant have that. so ABC, as much of a bitch as it is... it the only thing that will keep me skinny. period. Anyways also have to find a way to make sure Ana's on the absolute DL ! omg if my mom were to find out its over. i couldnt hurt anyone like that. i just couldnt. i already think my boyfriends onto it though which really annoys me. Its not like I want him to go and tell my family i need help or something, because thats actually the last thing i want him to do... but he hasnt even said a word to me about it and i dont know why... i mean its not like i wanna have a full-on conversation about it with him but i do love him and it hurt me for so long knowing that i was hiding somethign from him. especially when he asked what i was doing on the computer that was so important that i was barely paying attention to him, when i was reading Ana blog after Ana blog after thinspo after thinspo. and i'd lie. :/ ughhh that was the worst. not matter how much Ana means to me i couldnt stand the fact that she made me lie to the one person i love the most and that loves me the most. so i kinda led onto it. (not exactly telling him that it was a Ana's diet) but i told him i was on a special diet that required me to eat only 'this many' calories a day. all he really said was damn thats not really healthy but he didnt make it a big thing which is good. the thing that bothers me is the fact that i think hes seen my Ana notebook. HOW EMBARRASSING! its full of pictures of skinny girls and skinny body parts and letters to myself of how i dont deserve him and how a guys like him doesnt want fat girls. he used paper out of it to write me a note to leave in my room but how to you get paper out of it without looking at everything before it. fuckkkkkkkkkk idont know i dont want him to know how obsessed i am but then i dont wanna lie to him. damn what a rant but i have to get my homework done and clean my room. fasting tomorrow. not even gonna bother to tell you what ive eaten all weekend... but im fasting tomorrow then starting ABC on tuesday... JOY ! lol :)

much love,

Oh and from now on im only doing ABC for 6 days in a row then eating semi normally (no more than 1000 calories) on Sundays, then continuing ABC until the end. it'll give me inscentive not to binge because ill have something to look forward too. and im not binging to purge anymore either cuz i always have the fear of not getting everything up. plus last time i didnt get the chance to even get it out because my boyfriend was soooo on my case. thats what made me start gaining this weekend :( bleh. i hate fooooood foood is for the weeaaak and i am NOT weak. im not. and ill prove it watchh! ill post before and afters on friday how bout that ! :) that way i HAVE to do good so i have something nice to show you guys :) yesss anyways thats it STAY STRONG GIRLSSS TRUST ME ITS WORTH ITTT

March 18, 2010

End Of ABC Day Two !

Yesss :) i didnt do awesome today but i did okay. normally i like to stay a few calories below what i'mm allowed just in casee but today I had everything perfectly planned out. 500 calories exactly. buuuut last night i made the mistake of telling my boyfriend about my diet... oh goshh. now all he's doing, instead of the usual being concerned, he just tries to force me to eat here and there. it doesnt work but today he put me on the spot in front of his mom soooo bad. i had 180 calories left and it was like 5 30 and he was taking me home after we'd hung out in the shopping center by our school for a while. i planned on eating 2, 90 calorie waffles for "dinner." welllll. knowing i hadnt eaten much, (in fact i was doing PERFECT!) he asked his mom if we could go to one of his favorite restaurants before they took me home. him mom said yes as long as it was okay with me to be home a little late.. what was I gonna sayy? I couldnt say no to herrrr! fuckin cheater.. anyways I had taquitos w sour cream and guacamole :( FUCK BOYFRIENDS! anyways i drank a tonnnn of water to loosen everything up in my stomach and I purged as SOON as i got home. (close to everything i think) hope fully only about 180 calories worth or less was left :/ i wasnt even super full either which is good. I've never really purged before but I just couldnt stand the fact that i'd worked wayyyyy to hard for two whole days of ABC. and i woulllllddd fuck shit up. so i had to get rid of it. then me and my sister went on a nice semi-high paced jog and then I stretched, did some curl ups and some push ups and now im about to shower then have a nice early sleeep :) yay for me... kinda. ♥ anyways purging wasnt that bad at alllll and i'm most likely gonna try it again in the future (but i do NOT recommend it. it SUCKS! if you have to be empty just DONT EAT!! lol) anyways thanks for caring about my day if you've even read this far. love all my readersss♥ comment/follow and what not :)
muchhh lovinnn,

Food Log:
bac,egg&cheese toaster strudel - 180 cal
wheat thins - 120 cal
taquito mess - a lot of fucking calories but purged(:


dayyy threee tomorrow wish me luckk lovely girlsss

March 17, 2010

Final End Of Day One! :]

i had my ramen at the right time today after my run and finished with exactly 500 caloriess :] woohoo then im going to bed right after this post so theres no room for error thats all. so tired night night Anas<3

much love,,,

Yesss Day 1 of ABC almost complete!

So its about 3:15pm and I'm just watching Thinspo vids on youtube and getting in a quick blog before I start my homework :/ bleh. Im sooo so happy that today's almost done for my first day of ABC again :) Ive only had like 310 so I have a little more room for error but I dont plan on eating any more today. Just drinking lots of water. I was really weak this morning though and I drank my coffee on the way to school and all that did was make me nauseas and weak... yay. well by the time I had to take a very important writing exam I was finally feeling better :) and I've felt soo energetic all today. I normally do shiity in pe when I dont eat lunch but today I ran a mile very easily. Oh yeah! another thing.. i totally but barely resisted lunch today :) well im not gonna say barely. this is what happened: i wasnt gonna even look at what ws for lunch for fear that i would be tempted into buying it. well i decided some fat free milk wouldnt be too many calories so i decided to get some. the only thing i dont like about the lunch system at my school is tht you cant just but individual things. you have to buy a whole meal with sides and shit to get the one thing you want. I didnt reallt care. I really wanted a milk to i told my sister and my friends that they could have everything i buy i just want the milk and they were like okay so i did. it was sooo hard though. it was chinese flavored chicken and rice... MY FAVORITE i even said i would just have the smallest peice just for the taste. actually i was only considering it because i promised myself i wouldnt eat anything, not matter how little it was so i could keep track of my calorie intake 100% so i didnt eat it after all :) there was also that chance that after tasting how good it was I would just KEEP eating! like the fat girl i am! haha another funny story like i said i ran a mile today. whenever i even thought about stopping i kept repeating in my head "run fat girl run!" nd just feeling my ass jiggle with every stride that i said that just made me go faster. i really dont like running but today it was refreshing. it was like every step i took i was running away from my fat self! kinda. i got back in the locker room and i was still just as fat :/ anyways thats all i really wanted to share about my day ! im soo happy i have 180 calories left i think thats about as much a pack of ramen so i think i'll just eat that at around 6 o clock and be done, if i can get my fatass outside and run before 6 that would be a great snack then I can shower, chill and watch a movie then go to bed early :) sounds awesome! well thanks for reading (if you even read this far lol) food log then pc outt maybe ill post once more before beddd.

much love Anas<3

Food Log:
coffee w sugar free sweetener - 0 cal
plain waffle - 90 cal
2 mints & a slice of gum - 10 cal
cup of fat free milk - 90 cal
3 triscuits and a slice of american cheese - 120 cal

total : 310 cal

March 16, 2010

Todays Progress + Ramble

So todays fast went well. My ultimate plan was to fast today and start ABC tomorrow with a 450 calorie plan so I have a 50 calorie cushion if I start to mess up. I weigh about a pound less than yesterday as off 230 when I got home from school. Good? I guess but I gotta keep it up. It feels so good to be empty. something only I can feel and no one else can control. Honestly though.. my math teacher has a jar or candy on her desk for when student volunteer to answer questions. When she stands outside the door in between classes I always walk over and take a couple pieces and sit down. Nobody cares nobody tells. Quick snack :) well today I went over just out of habit and grabbed a jolly rancher and some super mini sugary sour twizzler thing idk. they were both super small and I ate them. It wasnt that much at all but for some reason today doesnt feel as perfect as when I eat absolutely nothing, just knowing I ate those two stupid peices of candy! whatever i know i did good today. the hardest part though is not getting a big head and thinking I did too good and eating something right before I go to bed. Sleeping on it is always the hardest part. But i know what I want and what I want is not to eat for the rest of the day. I'll just stay cooped up in my room and watch thinspo vids on youtube while I do my homework until I fall asleep. And of course drink my water. So tomorrow im starting of with some black coffee with calorie and sugar free sweetening syrup my mom buys to take to school and ill already be warm and full with a total of 0 calories until lunch. I've also been waking up a tad later so I dont have that extra time to eat breakfast at home in the morning or packing snacks. so far ive been pretty successful. the only tempation to eat will be my only real opportunity to eat during the day which is of course.. lunch... the one thing i like about school is that they turn the snack machines off during the day and your only time to eat (unless one brink snacks like ive already worked out), is during lunch. but half the time i fail at resisting food then too. i failed last even day, just knowing I have money on my card number when im DYING to eat. I mean i guess if i really think about it, its just like being at home and having every opportunity to eat everything. and if i can do that, then i can do it at school. The only differences is that my whole house doesnt smell like food all the time like the whole school does when its lunch time :/ its also hard to watch my friends eat right in front of me. as i sit there with my water bottle. what fatsos. yet i want to eat all of their food combined! what is wrong with me? im sick. fat. gross. 139 pounds.. i hate myself i just wanna be skinny already. that way, ill have proof that i can do something right and I'll just be hypnotized into keeping it that way i swear if i was just skinny i would never again eat a morsel of food. ever. but just looking at myself... its like looking at a walking fail! how did i get like this? why didnt my parents starve me! (joke obviously) but god this is suchhhh a ramble. forgive me.. comments are niceee and folllllow:) i need support like no otherrr right now

ABC tomorrow :) cant waittt

much love,

March 13, 2010


This is just a short post. Ate nothing yesterday after my last post yay (: its 12:01 pm and I havent eaten anything so far today. Im planning on fasting today but if not i'll stay under 500 calories. Not saying I cant fast for a day because I know I can... by myself but I'm going to the mall with my boyfriend today then possibly back to his house and I know hes gonna wanna get something to eat. Ill probably just go with the excuse that I dont feel good. Headache, stomach hurts, you know. But if he doesnt by it ill just eat a couple bites but im avoiding that scenario at all costs. Thats all :) Comment and Follow and such<3


March 12, 2010

No More Fooling Around.

I cant believe I ever had the right to feel jealous. Jealous of every skinny girl I see. I am only allowed to be jealous when I've actually DONE something. I can only feel jealous when I've TRIED to be skinny; Not just sit around and wait for it to happen. I disgust myslef. How DARE i be this fat and gross? Ew. I hate not being on here for days and days.. not because I dont want to (because trust me i think about how important this blog is to the sake of my being skinny every day) but because i dont know what to say. I havent been doing good at all. ive been doing SHITTY! but whats the point of logging on if all i have to face is the reality of the embarrassment that IS my body. And its so hard. I wanna be able to say how good I can do. I wanna prove myself and earn all your good feedback and hear good things. I guess ive been assuming that I need time to get back into the flow of old habits and all thats been doing is making me eat more thinking that i'll eventually go back. No. It clearly doesnt work that way. I forget that Ana is WORK! People (or at least most people) have to WORK to be skinny. I doesnt just happen. So i need to WHIP my ass back into shape. I just stuffed myself with waffles and im feeling REALLY guilty. I dont wanna feel that way anymore. I wanna feel empty and hungry :) oh what a good feeling that id LOVE to have back :) im not eating ANYTHING else for the rest of the night (which shouldnt be hard). As soon as im done with this post im creating a meal plan for tomorrow which allows me only 500 calories. I've never done a meal plan before for fear that i'd just fuck everything up but i think maybe it'll help me stay on track. After tomorrow I'm starting ABC ! Its been awhile but no fucking around this time. I'm going in head first and i'm not coming up til im thin(ner). (: stay strong my loves and i'll definitely post sometime tomorrow with my food log for the day. Wish Me Luck Lovelies<33

March 4, 2010

Oh My..

Well today was a shitty day.. all i did was eat. Fuck. Obviously im not giving up. It always takes me a couple days to get back into good eating habits. Thats why i'm not too pissed. But once i've got the feel of things again I can literally fast for daysss (or a solid foods fast with only beverages allowed). But that probably wont be until after this weekend because im taking my boyfriend to my grandparents house in Richmond over the weekend and all those people do is eat ! And as much as I could try to starve, with the possibility that I could actually succeed, I don't need my sister, and my Nana, AND my boyfriend on my back. But hey I have TONS of homework and I have to pack for this weeekend so this is one of my shorter posts.. lol even though its still pretty long, so ill try to post tomorrow or sometime this weekend but idk cuz I dont want anyone going through my browsing history over there. That would suck. Kbyeee!

Think Thin Lovelyss,

March 2, 2010

Summers Coming Soon. Lets Do Thiss !

Wow ! 53 followers :) why thank you. i love seeing you guys follow because it means im not in this alone. I know others share the same amazingly insane obsession to be skinny. I will be. No matter what. Every year of my life i vow to get skinny for summer (and beyond) and this is my year. Starting now, the middle of winter, I'm training HARDCORE non-stop until im thin. This year, I won't be the girl watching in jealousy as i compare all the other girls in bikinis and noticing how im fatter than all of them. I wont be the one imagining how happy they must be to not have a care in the world. At least not when it comes to her body. I refuse to be the girl who has to be conscious of which way I turn or move my body so that the least amount of fat is noticible. I wont. Becuase I'll be her. I'll either be her, or die trying because I'm sick and tired of being a fat 140+ bitch. And I dont want you guys to worry or mistake this sudden determination for potential self distruction. I wont literally "die trying" --or at least I hope not. I just have a purpose and being the stubborn and will-powered person I am, I will do this! Who's With Me? All Pro-Ana girls; We all now have a purpose. Besides being skinny in general. Lets not wait for the last minute of spring to unsuccessfully attempt to get skinny for summer because we all know it never works. Lets start now !