August 26, 2009

Dirty Little Secret

The songs on repeat! When it first came out I wore it out for myself just like THAT. But I came across it in a thinspo video. loll & it seemed so appropriate too haha. Anyways my fast yesterday went really well. I just had water. I remember I thought I was going to let myself have liquids in general besides water but I guess I forgot. Whateverrr the less the better. I was planning on fasting again today because of my horrrrrible binge on Monday but idk. I mean yesterdays fast pretty much did the trick and I'm about back to where I was so maybe I should just go ahead and start ABC today instead of fasting? idk i feel like a fast can only do me good but IDK hmm. Well we'll see how hungry I am today but I'm not super hungry right now. ughhh I couldn't sleep five minutes last night. After about 6:15 a.m. I gave up. I jumped in some sweatpants and went for a nice long walk. I'm probably gonna pass out later but I'm glad I got a mini-morning workout in cuz idk how much I can actually workout today anyways. But wish me luck on my fast/500 cal allowance todayy.

In other news... Im really pissed at something I came across yesterday. Go to and look up "Ana." The main reason I started this blog was because I'm (not really ashamed) but secretive of Ana. But who isn't? I'm not gonna run down the street admitting an eating disorder... and urban dictionary not only mocks, but criticizes anyone with Pro Ana ideas or blogs. It says we're not really Ana because we're telling everyone about it on our blogs when people with real anorexia aren't proud of it. HELLOO! Thats the fucking point of blogging. We're not so proud to go tell our friends and family about it so we turn to other with the same problem: nobody else understands or appreciates our quest to be thin. So there's really no point in bashing people who praise Ana. Those urban dictionary people are probably just a bunch of FAT FUCKS who don't give a fuck about their bodies so they bash people who do care to make themselves feel better. Kinda mean? Well I don't really care. It pissed me offf ! Haha but yeah just had to let that out... Anyways I'm gonna try to take a nap then decide if I wanna start ABC today or fast again. Wish me luck & stay strongg !

Yesterday: nothing
Today (so far) : nothing


**EDIT** : I guess I decided I was starting ABC today when I let myself have a rice cake just now. Quakers 'Lightly Salted' - 30 cals. Oh and I looked up the nutrition facts for my trigger food: the infamous chipotle. I know... sick right? Well it was hell having my family sit around me with theirs last night while I stayed eyes locked on the computer as if I would fail myself by just looking at it.. I love that my dad doesn't hover. I mean he didn't really question the fact that I "wasn't in the mood" for my absolute favorite mexican food on the planet. In fact, its horrible that my urge wasn't because I was actually hungry at all. It was because I just loved Chipotle. I miss the flavor. But I remembered that Ana doesn't restrict any certain foods; She just wants us to eat in smaller proportions and stay under the calorie limit for the day. So yeah, like I said, I looked up the nutrition information of my typical chipotle and its only like 560 calories. And considering that I never eat more than half of it in one sitting, I can eat what I want and be at 280 ! Which means I can eat it and stay under my calorie limit probably a 400 or 500 calorie day. But obviously that would be my main meal for the day. But thats okay. And no need to tell me; Of course I know that, for me, its the easiest food to loose control with. Well I know I have to be extra careful so I was just putting it out there that I could eat it on a 500 calorie day, but I would probably really only have it on the 800 cal day of ABC just in case I get carried away. Damn I feel like a fatass just thinking about it but I was just putting it out there. In reality, all I've eaten today, like I meantioned, was just a rice cake :) only 30 cals too. Yesterday me and my sister went to the store and I got the rice cakes and a pack of 10 100 calorie popcorn snack packs that I'll prob have later. I would have on now (I mean I could easily stay under 500 calories for today at this rate) if only I didn't have the feeling that when my family gets back from our car appointment, they're gonna come back with MORE FOOD ! Sooo being the smarty that I am (lol), I'm gonna wait it out to see if I'm gonna be forced to eat with them and not have anymore calories to spare for the end of the daayy! Anyways thats all for now. I'll give my total food log at the end of the day :) Wish me luck. Later !

August 25, 2009

Ana please be with me !

So here's some pictures of my current bod. It was a little bonier before my terrible binge last night but you can still see my hip bone :) even though I have to try a little harder. (Ahh no ribs yet but I'm working on it !)I got the idea from the beautiful Ana's Girl. I thought it would be better to post some before I start ABC all over again. I'm fasting today and tomorrow as punishment for the binge. Then I'm starting a new ABC diet calorie plan that I've posted new in the left side bar under my "Countdown to Perfection" which is also new :)

Anyways today's fast is going really well. I've had like 748931 bottles of water and a little bit of chicken which I chewed and spit out. I feel really good about this. I won't break ABC this time. Its too important to me. Plus this is my first serious binge since I became pro-ana again and I forgot how it feels to fuck it up. (NEVER AGAIN!) It may be a little rough this next week because I'm starting my period :/ and I crave like everything !! Wish me luckk and stay strong !

food log for today:
-water.... 0 cals (:

August 24, 2009

Forgive Me !

So the dinner did NOT go like I planned. I've had so much self control these past couple days but this killled it. I can't even make this that long cuz I have to go to bed like now because I have a lot of running to do in the morning... wow I can't believe how much I had. I just couldn't stop. I totally let myself down. I was so upset afterwards because I could just feel the fucking ball of food in my stomach I even considered a dear visit to Mia. I really tried but I couldn't get anything out. What the hellll ! I swear I'm fasting of two days for this then I'll try again. I'm so serious... FAT is not acceptable. Anyways I'm not giving my food log for today because the food flew into my mouth so fast I honestly don't even know to be honest. Stay strong !! (haha i know im not one to talk)



First of all I need quick tips on what to do about dinner. I mean my dads girlfriend is making some chicken stuff for dinner right now and I can only have 200 calories. I obviously know I to eat as little as possible to stay under my limit for the day but I also need some tips on how to hide food or make it seem like I'm eating more. ANYTHING that'll work. It's 9:00 pm right now and I've managed to stay at 100 calories for the day and I can't screw it up. TIPS PLEASE !

Anyways besides that I went to the mall today. HUGE thinspiration. Every other fucking girl there was sooo thin... or at least thinner than me :( anyways maybe another post later tonight but dinners gonna be ready soo i gtg. TIPS TIPS TIPS !

ABC day 2 - 300 calorie day

I know I said today was gonna be a 400 calorie day but yesterday I finished off with some chocolate. And I think I went a littttle over my 500 calories for the day, but not too bad. My dad cleaned the family room and picked up the wrapper before I had a chance to see the calories so I don't really know by how much. And honestly I don't wanna know. All I know is that I didn't eat enough to gain weight (in fact I lost weight!) so it doesn't really matter to me. Knowing how much I failed will just make me mad. I already feel bad enough about it so instead of beating myself up about it, I'm just gonna take off from my calorie allowence for TODAY. What's really weird is that I'm not even hungry today. I think its because I can't shake my guilt for yesterdays chocolate but for some reason I just don't wanna eat anything. Haha but I HAVE been really thirsty but thats okay. My favortie drink of all time is Fresca and my dad always has it around the house. Bonus? It happens to be exactly 0 calories per can (:

Anyways the only reason I had chocolate yesterday (not like an excuse will change anything but...) was because I was hanging out with a guy I've always thought was reaaallly cutee yesterday and we went to the store and he asked me to get whatever I wanted (he's the younger brother of a family friend of ours and he was over at my house all afternoon and evening while my dad and his gf were at work but anyways) I knew that was my death sentence. I just CRAVED chocolate so without thinking I got it not sure if I was actually going to eat it or not. Well what could I do? He fed it to me with his cute little face. It melted me. [ahh im so weakk]. Anyways also that night we ended up making out haha so it wasnt that horrible of a night (: but thats more thinspiration to get skinny. I didn't even know he was attracted to me. But I must be little and cute for him to look at! LOL but yeah thats all for now. I'll prob post again later but I'm about to leave to go somewhere so thats all for now. I'm STAYING STRONG today. lol even though I'm not even hungry.

Today food log (so far) :
-fresca.... 0 cals
-12 wheat thins.... 100 cals
total : 100 cals ---- left: 200 cals

August 23, 2009

ABC - 500 calorie day

So today is a 500 calorie day and I'm doing really good. I haven't been really hungry all day cuz I've been spreading out my food sessions. I feel really good about this week so far. Yesterdays fast was fairly easy except the last couple hours of the day. I kept walking into my kitchen knowning I wasn't going to eat anything but out of habit, I kept walking in and out. But at the end of the day I felt really good about my will power against food. I just kept full on liquids and thought about how good this week would go if I could just get through today; then tomorrow. I'm taking each day at a time staying focused on the prize [a perfect body!] I even worked out hardcore yesterday. It was raining outside (pool closed) and the gym in my building was being re-done so all I could do was walk up and around the hallways of my 16 level apartment complex. Sounds easy but trust me it was difficult. I went all the way down through each floor then when I got to the bottom, I walked the stairs all the way up to my floor. I was DYING afterwards but it felt so good later and I lost about a pound this morning from my excersize combined with my fast. Anyways I'm so so SO excited because my hip bones are becoming way more defined everyday. I love to turn my body sideways a little and bending my hip up slightly to look at the bone structure. But of course I can't let that get to my head; I still have a LOT more to loose. But I AM proud of myself and it's all the more motivation to stay strong. I'm surprised with my strength so far but especially today I've had sooo many urges to just binge. I keep telling myself to wait until the end of the week to allow myself a few more calories but I'm so impatient. To be honest, one of the main reasons I have to not go food-crazy is for this blog. The hardest (not to mention the most embarrassing) thing to do when I pig out, is to have to admit what I've done on my blog. But I feel obligated to tell anyways. I couldn't lie. So at least today, that's really been keeping me strong. Besides, I love reading lovely comments from you guys and that can't happen unless I do good. And I'm proud to share my food log for today so far.

Today's food log:
-Mini popcorn bag...100 cal
-strawberry...idk like 30 cal? im rounding up just to be sure
-yogurt cup...90 cal
-skinny vanilla latte from starbucks...130 cals
total: 350 left: 150

And I'm not really hungry now I just WANT thingsss ! ahh but i wont. I promise myself. In fact im gonna look up new thinspo cuz that always helps me. ANYTHING to keep away from fooood. Even though its only been two days, I know I've been doing good and I will NOT screw this up.

Haha funny story. At the beginning of the day yesterday (my fast), I bought a reallly cute ring from claires that matched the nail polish I'd just put on yesterday. I didn't really look at the size but I got it anyways. So when I got in the car I was sooo fuckking pissed cuz when I got it on, it was soo tight and it hurt :( damned FAT FINGERS! anyways after my workout and fast yesterday I guess that really helped because when I went to try it on today I went on wayy easier. And I wear it with pride today ! haha but yeah just letting you know. haha Another reason for me to keep it up. In fact at this point, the reasons not to binge SO out-number the reasons I should.

Oh and here's a total of what I had yesterday during my fast:

-1cup of OJ.... 100 cals
-2cups of V8 splash....40 cals
-1cup of chicken broth....15 cals (and no fat !)
grand total: 155 in liquid (:

August 22, 2009

Good Old Day of Fasting (:

As I said yesterday, I'm going on a fast today and its going really well so far. No harsh cravings which is good. Ugh besides my sister eating chicken wings with creamy ranch - my favorite - right next to me. I mean of course I want some but today its like I don't need it. It'll be easy today because I feel like most fasts are really hard and if I can get through this one, I don't have to fast again for another week! But this week is gonna be hardcore. Less than 500 calories everyday. In fact here's my plan. Tell me what you think?

(today) Sat: fast
Sun: 500
Mon: 400
Tues: 500
Wed: 400
Thur: 500
Sat: 400
Sun: fast

The reason I'm not fasting on Saturday is because I usually fast on Sundays plus there's just too much going on Saturdays so yeah. I'm only fasting today because I'm not going out today besides.. I NEEDED IT with all these piggy moments I've been having the past couple days :/ anyways i'll prob post something later if I feel I need something to do to keep focused but since I shouldn't be eating anything for the rest of the day, I shouldn't have anything to post ! Stay strong everyone !

Today's food log:
-1cup of orange juice
-1cup of V8 splash
-like 52709587 cups of water haha

**ohh and thanks so much to Ana's Girl for mentioning me in a blog of hers. It means a lot because her blog has always been my favorite blog. I always turn to her page for a little inspiration. And her stories are always something I can relate to. Thanks Girl !

August 21, 2009

thinspiration (as promiseddd) !

Here are some really good thinspo vidoes. I just got re-enspired (: hope these are some help so those of you feeling a little down and uninspired at the moment.

And the videos I chose are mostly real girls. I hate seeing supermodels and magazine girls because its not realistic. They might be skinny [a lot skinnier than me thats for sure] but the fact that they've been photo-shopped turns me off. I enjoy seeing picture of real girls just taking pictures and just happy to be skinny. No one knows how bad I wanna fast forward to the part where I'm thin. It's painful and miserable forcing my body to shrink. And of course its all for the better and some days are better then others but I wanna just be able to look in the mirror for once and see a perfectly skinny girl with nothing to change. And it seems more "in my reach" when I see real girls just having fun being thin. And thats what I picked out :) enjoy. STAY STRONG lovelies!

olivia's rockinn thinspo #1

olivia's rockinn thinspo #2

olivia's rockinn thinspo #3

olivia's rockinn thinspo #4

olivia's rockinn thinspo #5

olivia's rockinn thinspo #6

olivia's rockinn thinspo #7

olivia's rockinn thinspo #8

olivia's rockinn thinspo #9


oliviaa xoxo

ABC starts tomorrow [full on]

So here's the deal. Tomorrow I'm gonna go on a well needed fast. I've been at my dad's house all summer so it's been easy to stay on my diet because he and his girlfriend are always at work and no one is there to make me food. It's just me and my sister and it's really easy to focus like that. I can hear my mind yelling at me to put the food down over the sound of my aching stomach. I just fill up with water or tea and the hunger is gone. Ugh but I've been at my Nana's house for the past couple days for my sister's early birthday celebration and all she does is take us out to eat and buy more and more and more food! Gosh it's so hard to stay away from it with people offering me temping satisfaction. It's almost like they're handing me my own pain and self consciousness. I'm trying my hardest to find something leaner when we go out to eat but even then I can't stop myself. How weak can I get??? Anyways we went to Red Lobster today and I got a honey glazed chicken breast. Not my first choice but it was better compared to my sisters scallops and shrimp she dunked in oily butter every bite. Kind of disgusting. I ate a little but I mean I had to because of the damned cheese biscuit I had :/ then I boxed the rest up. I did okay but I still feel like I failed miserably. My hunger isn't a comfortable feeling but I know it means I'm beating my urges and I'm in sweet sweet control of my body. And when that feeling is gone.... I lose. Well like I said, tomorrow's a fast :) I'm determined to lose all I ate yesterday at the pool. It'll be easy because my Nana works tomorrow and again it'll just be me and my non-interested, computer addicted sister. It makes me sick how much he eats sometimes and shes younger than me!! I would say something to her but I've already rejected food so much that if I criticize her she might start to wonder. She already calls me an anorexic (in humor of course) and as secretly flattering as it feels, I can't afford to make her more suspicious than she already is. But tomorrow will be cool. I'm swimming laps because I love being wet and the whole pool environment too it's easy :) anyways WISH ME LUCK and don't forget to follow and tell your friends to as well cuz I need more inspiration and tips !!! LOL xoxo

**last night**:
-bullion cube
-asian noodle soup (split with my sister)

todays food log:
-chicken from Red Lobster
-root beer
-diet coke
-2 slices of provolone cheese

tomorrow: NOTHING ! <3

this will be an awesome start for ABC this week. My incentive is an allowance of maybe 700-900 (or less....{less is always good hehe}) at the end of the week on Friday. I'm aiming for one strong, solid week then a day to push it a litte and then another strong week.. and so on. And good luck to all you girls (and guys?) BE STRONG and imagine your perfect figure. Only thing in your way? Fucking food.. so stay away from it haha. Don't give up what you want TOMORROW for what you want RIGHT NOW.

I'm searching for good thinspo vids on youtube that I'll be sure to post tonighttt

haha & i know this is already such a long post but yeah. we went shopping today and although I hate being around all the temping choices, I overcame it and picked really good choices. I got smart choice popcorn (for the day after tomorrow) it only has 100 cals a bag. They're mini bags but I don't need that much anywaysss so thats goood. Also we got like 5780395 bottles of waterr! always gooood (: okay thats all.

August 20, 2009

pretty good daaay :)

Alright so today was okay. I kept myself busy going to the movies today. I also swam some laps today at my pool which was a good workout. I went shopping too :) always nice. I got a realllly cute shirt today I'm so happy. But instead of grabbing a medium, I got a small which fit a little more snug then the medium but its great inspiration to get smaller so I can feel better about wearing it without feeling like a fat pig ! LOL anyways the movies was awesome. I saw Band Slam (which, by the way, I really recommend to anyone who's into comedic love stories and great music !). I didn't feel to bad about eating a little popcorn seeing as thought it has very little calories. I also snacked on craisins which are like my favorite snack. I maybe had a little more that I should have today but in smaller amounts which is good. At least I didn't loose control ya know.. anyways thats alll for today although I'll prob have a bullion cube cuz i really crave once ! haha and only 5 calories (:

todays food log:
-chipotle (CHICKEN! little rice no beans no sour cream no guacamole little cheese)
-a little popcorn
-a little chocolate

August 19, 2009

Damn damn damn

OMG so i binged again today. wow im a fuck up. im going to the gym or the pool in a little so ill try to burn alot of it off. alright im not gonna beat myself up that much cuz it made me feel a little better. i feel good and ready to restart immedieately. i cant keep slipping up but i really have to avoid these family outings with unlimited food. its hard to resist but i guess theres no other solution for that besides forcing myself to not eat! its like when im not around food, im so focused on my future perfect body.. but then when im actually there in front of food. its hard to keep my figure in mind. hunger killllls. but its all for the better. i can do better and i know it. i did great for 2 and a half days which is good for me but im aiming for at least 4 or 5 days until ill allow myself maybe 700-800 cals then less and less. i feel like if you have something to work up to (like a little freedom) then that will help you to stay strong for more days at a time in between you know? anyways another blog lateeerr :) love you guys and stay strong with mee !

oh and fyi i at like a pig ass at olive garden for lunch :/


Wow I cannot believe how weak I am. I fucking binged the 3rd fucking day of my ABC diet. Really? Like seriously?? What kinda of greedy fat ass can't last for 3 days? Last night my parents took me out for dinner and as much as I told myself NOT to eat too much at all... ugh I couldn't control myself. I had 10 buffalo wings! I couldn't stop. Believe me when I got home I was sooo hard on myself I worked out hardcore for like a straight hour before going to bed. But even then I could barely sleep... I could fell the fucking food sitting in my stomach. Ew. Anyways since I don't believe in Mia (tried it once and it was hell) I REALLY need to control myself no matter what. I should have fasted today because of my miserable fail last night but again I'm going out to lunch with the family today so I'll post my food log later. Again thanks for reading ! Wish me luckk :)

today so far:
-less than half a pop-tart (90 cals)

calorie allowance: 500 or less

August 18, 2009

First BLog Post

So today I decided to start a blog to better keep tract of what I eat. Also, I tend to keep on my diet better if I get tips and inspiration from other people. SO FOLLOW MY BLOG! haha. anyways here's some background on my eating habits. I tend to do really good for like a day and I slowly slip back to my old ways after. This is the longest streak I've ever had and so far I've lost 5 pounds! I've been on a really strict ABC diet since Sunday and I feel really good right now. Check it out:

(keep in mind I was at a family party and I was forced to eat)
-couple bites of mac & cheese
-two small meatballs
-small piece of cake (ugh i know :/)

-like 7 chick-fil-a nuggets and some fries
-some iced tea

Tuesday (today)
-slice of provolone cheese
-3 chick-fil-a nuggets
(hopefully I can control myself for the rest of the day)

Anyways that's pretty good for me. But I plan to get more strict! I've prob had a little less than 400 cals today and I'm aiming to do a fast tomorrow. If I absolutely have to crack, then I'll stay under 300 (: thanks for reading my first blog posttt Wish me luck !