*****I didnt realize how long and pointless this post got halfway through & I dont wanna scare off lovely motivational comments because I pretty much ranted about all my stupid troubless lol sorrry just stop reading halfway through if you'd likee :) ♥
You know what I realized... i tend to binge when i'm not even hungry. Well. not like that but when im hungry minus the hunger pains and growling stomach like i have now. Thankfully a growling stomach keeps me focused. It keeps me aware that i'm doing good and need to continue to do better.. which is weird. I think that deep down in all of us we secretly like the feeling of hunger pains. It equals progress to us, in the right state of mind. The key is focus, which is something i've always lacked, from dieting, to school, to almost everything important... which sucks. So a little physical reminder is good for me. It proves my emptiness and just makes me want to stay empty as long as possible. I think i'm going on a liquid fast for as long as possible... Hopefully up until this weekend when my boyfriends having me over for a little superbowl get-together with his family. We had a teacher work day monday, I was sick tuesday and schools are closed today because of snoww !! So I kinda lucked out as far as the pressures of eating during school lunches go. (: I always try to eat a little when I'm around my freinds so idk whyyy they have to notice when I don't eat at school.... gay !! whatever I just tell them I'll them i'm on a special diet and I can't eat fatty school food and they leave me alone..... until the next day. But its okayy. no big deal.
So heres whats on my mental menu for the day
-ICED TEA ! haha
-ummm anything else liquid
haha i know its vague but im too busy/lazy recently to calorie count so im not gonna bother. i might even have a ton of milk just cuz its not solid but i dont caree. I think im getting depressed recently. I've been sooo lazy and I don't even know why. My social life is fine and me and my family are getting along great recently so idunno. Ive just lacked energy and any type of concern for the way i put myself together.... which sucks because none of my friends have even mentioned it. not even my boyfriend. for example i NEVER wear sweatpants to school. thats just like a general rule of mine.. i think its tacky idk. but during midterm week thats all i wore. which i guess is okay but it never stopped ! idunno i always wake up late and almost miss my bus every morning which means i obviously have no time to even try to pick out a descent outfit and idk. sweats just stuck :/// i honestly think its college stress. it just occured to me that as much as both of my parents always told my to go to college, neither of them are really talking to me about it now that its that time to start planning. like wtf where did you guys go? uhm so im kinda trying to plan on my own which is hard because i dont have money to pay for early SATs i mean i know im only a junior but I've never gotten the best grades even thouggh im actually really smart and my counselor suggested that I take the SATs junior AND senior year to have a better chance of getting into the colleges I want. Ive always done good on the PSATs and I've taken a couple practice SATs on my college planning website. But SATs are coming up and I'm just stressed because I dont have anyone there to financially support me ya know. DAMN sorry about this rannnnnt ! Omg but yeah thats it my futures just been really stressing me out thats all and it's effecting my whole lifeee & it sucks :/ but thats all I;m working on itttt !
stay strong and drink nothing but liquids this week whose with meee??