March 12, 2010

No More Fooling Around.

I cant believe I ever had the right to feel jealous. Jealous of every skinny girl I see. I am only allowed to be jealous when I've actually DONE something. I can only feel jealous when I've TRIED to be skinny; Not just sit around and wait for it to happen. I disgust myslef. How DARE i be this fat and gross? Ew. I hate not being on here for days and days.. not because I dont want to (because trust me i think about how important this blog is to the sake of my being skinny every day) but because i dont know what to say. I havent been doing good at all. ive been doing SHITTY! but whats the point of logging on if all i have to face is the reality of the embarrassment that IS my body. And its so hard. I wanna be able to say how good I can do. I wanna prove myself and earn all your good feedback and hear good things. I guess ive been assuming that I need time to get back into the flow of old habits and all thats been doing is making me eat more thinking that i'll eventually go back. No. It clearly doesnt work that way. I forget that Ana is WORK! People (or at least most people) have to WORK to be skinny. I doesnt just happen. So i need to WHIP my ass back into shape. I just stuffed myself with waffles and im feeling REALLY guilty. I dont wanna feel that way anymore. I wanna feel empty and hungry :) oh what a good feeling that id LOVE to have back :) im not eating ANYTHING else for the rest of the night (which shouldnt be hard). As soon as im done with this post im creating a meal plan for tomorrow which allows me only 500 calories. I've never done a meal plan before for fear that i'd just fuck everything up but i think maybe it'll help me stay on track. After tomorrow I'm starting ABC ! Its been awhile but no fucking around this time. I'm going in head first and i'm not coming up til im thin(ner). (: stay strong my loves and i'll definitely post sometime tomorrow with my food log for the day. Wish Me Luck Lovelies<33

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