March 16, 2010

Todays Progress + Ramble

So todays fast went well. My ultimate plan was to fast today and start ABC tomorrow with a 450 calorie plan so I have a 50 calorie cushion if I start to mess up. I weigh about a pound less than yesterday as off 230 when I got home from school. Good? I guess but I gotta keep it up. It feels so good to be empty. something only I can feel and no one else can control. Honestly though.. my math teacher has a jar or candy on her desk for when student volunteer to answer questions. When she stands outside the door in between classes I always walk over and take a couple pieces and sit down. Nobody cares nobody tells. Quick snack :) well today I went over just out of habit and grabbed a jolly rancher and some super mini sugary sour twizzler thing idk. they were both super small and I ate them. It wasnt that much at all but for some reason today doesnt feel as perfect as when I eat absolutely nothing, just knowing I ate those two stupid peices of candy! whatever i know i did good today. the hardest part though is not getting a big head and thinking I did too good and eating something right before I go to bed. Sleeping on it is always the hardest part. But i know what I want and what I want is not to eat for the rest of the day. I'll just stay cooped up in my room and watch thinspo vids on youtube while I do my homework until I fall asleep. And of course drink my water. So tomorrow im starting of with some black coffee with calorie and sugar free sweetening syrup my mom buys to take to school and ill already be warm and full with a total of 0 calories until lunch. I've also been waking up a tad later so I dont have that extra time to eat breakfast at home in the morning or packing snacks. so far ive been pretty successful. the only tempation to eat will be my only real opportunity to eat during the day which is of course.. lunch... the one thing i like about school is that they turn the snack machines off during the day and your only time to eat (unless one brink snacks like ive already worked out), is during lunch. but half the time i fail at resisting food then too. i failed last even day, just knowing I have money on my card number when im DYING to eat. I mean i guess if i really think about it, its just like being at home and having every opportunity to eat everything. and if i can do that, then i can do it at school. The only differences is that my whole house doesnt smell like food all the time like the whole school does when its lunch time :/ its also hard to watch my friends eat right in front of me. as i sit there with my water bottle. what fatsos. yet i want to eat all of their food combined! what is wrong with me? im sick. fat. gross. 139 pounds.. i hate myself i just wanna be skinny already. that way, ill have proof that i can do something right and I'll just be hypnotized into keeping it that way i swear if i was just skinny i would never again eat a morsel of food. ever. but just looking at myself... its like looking at a walking fail! how did i get like this? why didnt my parents starve me! (joke obviously) but god this is suchhhh a ramble. forgive me.. comments are niceee and folllllow:) i need support like no otherrr right now

ABC tomorrow :) cant waittt

much love,


  1. wow your doing so great! i remember how hard it was for me when i went to school, lunch was the WORST! i used to pack a small container of celery to munch on that way i didnt draw attention to myself and wasnt as tempted to eat.gotta love those negative calorie foods :)
    keep up the awesome work!
    stay strong

  2. Hey you sound like your doing a thousand times better than me! I used to haaaaaaaaate lunch! If I could resist the temptation to go to the line initially, I had about 20 people surrounding me that are all eating something delicious! Totally unfair!
    Keep up the hard work!!!