March 21, 2010

back to 140 :(

i cant believe it. it took me three days to loose 5 lbs and it only took me 2 to gain it all back. maybe its because i knew i would have to come back the next day. back to ana. and of course going to my friends house over the weekend wasnt a good idea either.... fuck. what am i to do. it seemed like a lifetime loosing all that weight i would just eat my self-pity away but with summer coming soon theres really no time for that. it'll be a lot easier going into it now, now that i know Ana really is the only wy 100% i lost 5 lbs in three days! I couldnt ask for anything more. my stretch mars even started to fade. theres no fucking up this time. I also found out that ABC is the only way for me too. I normally try to self regulate how much I eat but obviously if its up to me ill eat however much I want and we cant have that. so ABC, as much of a bitch as it is... it the only thing that will keep me skinny. period. Anyways also have to find a way to make sure Ana's on the absolute DL ! omg if my mom were to find out its over. i couldnt hurt anyone like that. i just couldnt. i already think my boyfriends onto it though which really annoys me. Its not like I want him to go and tell my family i need help or something, because thats actually the last thing i want him to do... but he hasnt even said a word to me about it and i dont know why... i mean its not like i wanna have a full-on conversation about it with him but i do love him and it hurt me for so long knowing that i was hiding somethign from him. especially when he asked what i was doing on the computer that was so important that i was barely paying attention to him, when i was reading Ana blog after Ana blog after thinspo after thinspo. and i'd lie. :/ ughhh that was the worst. not matter how much Ana means to me i couldnt stand the fact that she made me lie to the one person i love the most and that loves me the most. so i kinda led onto it. (not exactly telling him that it was a Ana's diet) but i told him i was on a special diet that required me to eat only 'this many' calories a day. all he really said was damn thats not really healthy but he didnt make it a big thing which is good. the thing that bothers me is the fact that i think hes seen my Ana notebook. HOW EMBARRASSING! its full of pictures of skinny girls and skinny body parts and letters to myself of how i dont deserve him and how a guys like him doesnt want fat girls. he used paper out of it to write me a note to leave in my room but how to you get paper out of it without looking at everything before it. fuckkkkkkkkkk idont know i dont want him to know how obsessed i am but then i dont wanna lie to him. damn what a rant but i have to get my homework done and clean my room. fasting tomorrow. not even gonna bother to tell you what ive eaten all weekend... but im fasting tomorrow then starting ABC on tuesday... JOY ! lol :)

much love,

Oh and from now on im only doing ABC for 6 days in a row then eating semi normally (no more than 1000 calories) on Sundays, then continuing ABC until the end. it'll give me inscentive not to binge because ill have something to look forward too. and im not binging to purge anymore either cuz i always have the fear of not getting everything up. plus last time i didnt get the chance to even get it out because my boyfriend was soooo on my case. thats what made me start gaining this weekend :( bleh. i hate fooooood foood is for the weeaaak and i am NOT weak. im not. and ill prove it watchh! ill post before and afters on friday how bout that ! :) that way i HAVE to do good so i have something nice to show you guys :) yesss anyways thats it STAY STRONG GIRLSSS TRUST ME ITS WORTH ITTT


  1. i'm doing a case of ABC also .. i made it up the calories and stuff but i named it ABC like yours cause i didn't know what to name it .. hope you don't mind :)

    tomorrow is the first ABC day and it's well not a complete fast because I have a test I have to be able to focus on .. it's a 130cal day and i can have my healthy low cal mealt that I have left over and is gonna go bad if I don't eat it =)

  2. i always lose weight and then i can gain it back in a day !