December 23, 2009

New Start

How could I abandon this lifestyle. Ana was the only thing I had to myself. It was my dirty little secret that no one else knew and only I controlled. I forgot how good it felt to be so in control. Everyone, especially my parents, find ways to try to control me in every aspect of my life. Where I go and what I do and who I can hang out with... its so frustrating. And even though what I eat doesnt seem like that big of a deal.. it is to me. I can't explain it. For example: I've been experimenting with cutting recently and although its a little painful at first, I start to like it. And its not like I have to make myself bleed to make myself happy but just the fact that I can control the pain excites me. And looking at the faint scratches later makes me smile :) i know its sick but again its a little secret that puts me at ease.

Anywaysssssssss today wasnt that bad for cutting back from my gluttony. But it wasnt very good. I didn't keep track of calories whatsoever so i'll just let you know what I had and hopefully tomorrows food log will look better than todays :/...

Today's Food Log:
- 1 brownie
- 1/4 cup of fresh tuna
- a taquito
- 4 pizza rolls
- handful of chips

I know that sounds bad because its basically all junk food but I really did try to take lesser portions of each but I know its too much and I'm really cutting back from now on. Um so heres how tomorrows gonna work.. I have it set in my mind that I wanna fast but since I know thats not gonna happen, whatever I eat will be in the smallest portion possible and I'm gonna try not to have so much of a variety like today. I'm gonna pick healthy foods that are low in calories and have as little as possible and I'll be sure to keep track of calories from now on. And if theres no nutrition information, then I'm gonna stay away from it. At least that will keep me more one track and get me back into habbit. No One Knows What I Would Do To Just Be Skinnnny ! I'm gonna do any and everything possible to be as skinny as my best friends. I have 2 best friends: one from my old school and one from my new school and they just happen to be the best thinspiration i've got! and they're always around me which is good so im forced to look at them. They're both perfectly thin but not like skeleton status you know. And since being thinner makes you look fairly taller it couldnt hurt me since im already super short :/. Damn now im ranting but yeah thats all... I wanna say i'll post tomorrow night-ish with what I had for the day but I know I'll probably get bored and post sometime during the day before my family comes over kkk:)

Love You Allllll :) And I miss lovely comments to commment onnn. keeps me THINspired<3



  1. Welcome back to your control, dearie. I know just how you feel about the control of your food and the pain of cutting. Control is amazing. Stay strong!

  2. Oh god Please think about cutting, i have to look at my scars everyday as a constant reminder of my stupidity, and people notice so its not your 'dirty little secret', being thin is beautiful, beng covered in useless scars is not (Although it is so tempting on hip bones, sorry i don't mean to sound preachy) Well done on starting restricting already though, maybe restart ABC? after boxing day im doing a detox/ 'quick-fix' type diet then starting ABC. Stay strong xx